Coincidence, Providence, Questions

The moment you drop a word such as "providence" into the soup, a flurry of questions, largely from the self, are thrown at you. Questions varying from destiny, freedom of choice to god and being. Definitely, my opinion on such topics has changed quite drastically from just a few years ago. Not that I now believe in an overseeing, all controlling god. But, I definitely have come to an understanding that there are things beyond reason. And, it only is fair to conclude that we as humans, do not know. Or to rightly put it, I do not know. And, I am quite happy that I've arrived at this. For I see clearly, that such an opinion has not been imposed upon me. It has come as a result of the endless beating that was served upon me.

I've definitely questioned the "not been imposed" aspect. "Coincidence and Providence" were never so distinctively observed or analysed until I did some Paulo Coelho reading. Lets say, a door was opened. A door that enabled me to see things in a different angle. Things that I usually dismiss as a coincidence, are becoming harder to classify so.

28 hours ago, I was brought to my knees by a simple question, "why". That question, was at the end of a trail of similar questions, caused by some minor setbacks. On any other day, I would have had a convincing answer. But then, when one did not turn up, I ended up scourging the streets and bars looking for one. In a matter of hours, I saw many an old pursuit show up in one way or the other. Nothing very big. A smile. A nod. A wave. Like someone was deliberately showing a pattern of connections. Like the world understood that I am suffering, and decided to pat me on the back.

Because we feel our presence, and intuitively cross paths.
Because we strongly acknowledge, without a word, nor a smile.
Because we gaze so deep, like knowing for eons.
Because, we still know not our names.


Its just like you dug a hole deep enough that you cannot see the sky above, and then jumped into it thinking you are hiding, but actually got lost.

Hello Monday.


building walls

So there you are, around the corner. Oh I remember you well. I am not gonna hide the fact that I am arming myself again. To the teeth it will be. I have seen you through. I'll see you through again.


hello there,

"how you doing? can I take you out for a cup of coffee?" is what I wanted to say. I believed that, that unspoken conversation of our eyes could mean more. Every time I tried to corner you, there was an external agent foiling it. I came around many times hoping to catch an opportunity. But then, it was too late and everyone was leaving. I still waited at the driveway. Thats when I saw you walking cozy with that boyfriend, three times my size.

Sigh! No, I am not a fighter. I retired for the night. There sure is another game, another night.


Dragging that stone along

Its amazing how a bottle of whisky still finds its way through the shattered wallet. Would have loved it to be something else, but its still something. And, the something was something I needed, looks like.

In the last one year, life did change quite a bit. From what seemed like a random night, it extended to a meaningful relationship. A lot was learnt. A lot was given. And, then it was time to part.. yet again. But life does move on. Guess, old wounds have taught you much.

Mostly, it feels like square one. But, it is not actually. I have consciously told a client to fuck off because they were not paying enough. The company is taking new turns, new objectives, new strategy. All within that negative balance sheet.

But hopes does exist. In a new way, in every new day. :)


Domino effects, crunch times

So, there was this quick consultation job that was fetching handsome. But, I had to slog for 4 days to do some research for it before I can go there. And, I sit down to do it. But then, after day one, Dad falls sick. So, the rest of the three days, I am shuttling between house and hospital with a bag full of books. I did manage to do the reading in between breaks, to a good extent. And, when the day 4 comes along, I find that I am falling sick too.

Its like every force in the world going out of its way to stop me. :-/ Maybe this one was not meant to be. Grr..



For a brief while I really thought things were moving with work. But then, it went back straight to square one; cleaned out bank accounts and per-day budgeting. I am quite amazed at how life is teaching me by unwrapping itself slowly and painfully. I am extremely glad that I can see it as 'teaching' and not drown in it. But still, this thing needs a closure. The perceived easier path is always around the corner, tempting. But I shall hold my fort. Not giving up yet.